Lackadaisical

My blog has been pretty dead lately. I guess it's mostly due to the lack of inspiration coming to me these days.

Most of the time, my thought processes happen in bed, before I fall asleep, and that's when I start thinking about the day's worth of activities, the things I said, the things I did, the people I hung out with.

That's when the inspiration comes in; when I begin to evaluate myself. But most of the time, I'd be too lazy to crawl out of bed to type it down.

Today's a little different. Today's thought process warrants a post. It is big enough to push me to get out of bed and write it down.

I want to write it down as descriptively as I can, yet be as precise as possible. But I guess, when I start talking, it's just hard to stop.

Tonight, I thought about the person I used to be. The person I was before I finished my degree. Look at how time flies. I'm already preparing to embrace the bitter cold air of the working world's bad breath. I look back at the things I've said in this blog, from the time I started it, up until now. And boy, how I've changed.

From the way I speak, to the way I think, to the way I write. I began this blog as a space for me to note down the day's worth of activities, to keep myself occupied while I'm away from home in a place once so foreign to me. I used to hold on so tight the friends I made from high school, the church I grew up in.

But as time passed and experiences accumulate into buckets after buckets in my mind, things important to me 5 years ago seem to have lost its luster. It's not that I'm saying I don't care about the things I used to care about anymore, it's just that as more important things make their way and struggle to be the center of my vision, the things I used to love began to seem more... insignificant. Like there are bigger things in life to worry about. They have been moved down the queue of matters worthy of attention. 

Some wise people say that in order to stay afloat in this ever moving world, we need to move with it or we'll get left behind.

It's so tiring, isn't it? As we all grow older and our eyes begin to open like it never did before, and our values and mentality change. We become more headstrong and stubborn in our own principles and beliefs even though some of it may not be right. 

The person I was 5 years ago was carefree. I had no worries. Well, kind of. My worries were small, unimportant and silly, now that I think back about it. "Oh, I left my notes somewhere, whatever shall I do" or "Oh I can't eat today, I accidentally kicked a cat :("

Oh how trivial when I look back at it. Yet I find myself yearning to go back to that carefree me 5 years ago. Even though it means I have to sit through all my exams again.

Responsibilities begin piling up on you once you reach adulthood. You start to think for yourself as the world teaches that it is every man for himself. We leave behind the things we used to hold on so dearly to, which has less use for us now. We become the person that would help us survive; the person with a character that is in tune with "the times".

Are we truly always the same person now and before? I guess it is yes and no. We change to be stronger. We change to build ourselves up. We change because of the circumstances we've been in. 

But who's to say if it is for better or for worse? 

I somehow think that I have deteriorated in terms of character. Unlike a rock with rough edges that smoothen out over the years, I am the water that runs through it, picking dirt and mud along the way, and when I finally find myself into a lake, I am tarnished and muddy orange, but there's no turning back.

Sometimes I feel like I've turned into the bitches that I used to hate. That I've become just like them. What happened to the bigger me? The magnanimous one, the one that used to say "it's okay" even to the people who have wronged her?

Some food for thought before I head to bed. 

Like Ted said in How I Met Your Mother: Well, eventually, over time we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us. 

I guess the weight of everything comes in at the end when we look at things from the eternity point of view, and that is when we start to base our lives on that set of principles, that set of values, and learn from the mistakes that we made. Stumble and fall if you must but pick yourself up and move on, for if you don't, then you'll be a sorry excuse of a human being.

I really need to find myself again.